It happens to me all
the time. I find myself in a situation which requires me to raise my voice a
few decibels and vent my anger (usually happens at retail chain stores or
sometimes with obnoxious aggressive people I have the misfortune to meet).
Raising the volume is not an issue and oh the anger is very much there all
right….. simmering and seething. Sad bit is I am at a loss for words. Where are
they???Where is the dictionary load of words I have spent my life reading and
acquiring when I need them most??? Did they decide to go for a walk deserting
me when I needed them most??? So I stand there opening and closing my mouth a
couple of times looking like a human equivalent of a fish. But no words come to
my rescue…no sir!
Later is of course,
a different story altogether. And that’s when my lost wits wander in hand in
hand with all the things I could have said…and
I get thoughts like ….hey that’s what I should have said!!! I imagine
the whole scenario again and in my imaginary world my vitriolic tongue lashes
the opponents to pulp!!! They cower in fear and I am of course unstoppable!!!
In the dream sequence the floor managers quake in fear when in reality I know
that if I get really angry I would probably just embarrass myself by dissolving
in tears!!! I don’t know if it’s only me but for all my creativity, the
fountain of wisdom and words as well seems to dry up the moment I am faced with
adversity. Intensely frustrated I come away feeling completely deflated. What’s
the point of all the choicest words, I could have said, coming to mind much
later?
It is one thing to put words down on paper and quite another
to be able to say them face to face. Give me the written word any day I say….I
feel so much better
Anytime you wish for an emotional outpouring hand me a sheet
of paper. It will come spouting forth but no you can’t expect me to sit with
someone across the table and do the same. No darned way!!! At times like these
I like to portray myself as an empathic listener but the fact is I freeze up in
the face of emotional outbursts. I juggle my facial muscles to bring about a
semblance of a sympathetic expression but inside it’s like an ice floe! If
someone wants to vent their grief, anger, frustration, does not want to be
saddled with counter recriminations, advice and instead would prefer only a
vaguely sympathetic silence in return….well then you have me!!!
Maybe one day I will be able to gather my courage and wits
and say what’s on my mind but until then I live in hope!!! Hope that one day
all that needs be said will be and God help anybody who’s around then!!!!
oh i sooooooo relate to this Tazeen...its happened to me also-umpteen times...and the later fantasazing about what i "could" have done or said is all the more frustrating and you feel more angry at yourself than at the person who deserved it at the time!
ReplyDeletei think it happens to most of us who dont like fighting or making a scene!
its happened to me here in the US a number of times by people who think they are way better than us just by courtsey of thier skin color! grrrrrrrrr....